I was always seeking something to fill that void that was deep down inside me. Drugs and alcohol would only last for a while and then the high they brought was gone, too. Nothing would fill the void in my life. Not the drugs, not the alcohol, not the men, and no amount of money. It wasn’t that I wanted to die; no one wants to do that. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted out of this nightmare that I was in. I couldn’t get out and I saw no other way.
So, I thought to myself, since it started at 7:00, I should be out of there by 8:00 and that would give me time to make it to the bar. Come on! It was a Saturday night, which was, “big party time.” I was only interested in the cowboys not the church; but little did I know what was in store for me there.
There were 500 people there that night and it seemed like the preacher was talking straight to me. Like no one else was in that room but me. It’s like someone had called them ahead of time and told them that I was there. They said get her, she’s a bad one. Don’t let her go, she’s a sinner. Well, I sunk down in my seat to be incognito. Hoping that no one would notice me, because I was already high on my drugs.
I now knew that what I was doing was wrong and that I was a sinner in need of a savior, but I didn’t want to give in. I tried to just go on and live my life the way I always did, but something kept tugging at me to trust Him.
And then 2 months later I overdosed again, when I had used way too much “meth. I should be dead. I should not be standing here before you today. You see, my heart was beating at least 1000 beats per minute, or so it felt. And just a few weeks earlier, I had heard of someone’s heart blowing up from this stuff and they had died, so I got a little scared.
Have you ever felt like that? Like you’ve been walking in mud and you’re so tired that you can’t go another step? You don’t even know what your life is all about. You know, all I wanted from day one was a happy family, a house with a little fence, and a yard. I wanted to be able to just smell the cooking of supper and to hear the sounds of laughter and people loving each other. All these things were going on in my head as I lay there in my bed with my heart pounding so fast. I knew that it was time. I knew that I was fixing to die.
So, at that moment, I called out His name. I said, “Jesus” and I paused for a minute – then I said, “If you are really who they say You are, I could use Your help. I’m tired of living this life. I’m in need of something real.” I said, “Jesus, can you help me? I don’t want to live like this anymore.” and that’s all I said.
The windshield is so wide and so open because that’s your future. That’s where you’re going. You can't move forward when you’re looking behind you. Doing this exercise with God I realize that it did nothing but paralyze me and stop me in fear for moving forward; so from that day on I forgave myself and let the past go and received wholeness in my body, my spirit and my soul. I can’t turn back time and I can’t go back, so I let it go. I’m looking forward now to my future and what a great future I have.
I have four amazing grandchildren and another one on the way. This is the restoration that only Jesus can give you! He will restore everything to you that you have lost. How amazing is this?
FORGIVENESS Number 4 - I had to forgive my dad I had to forgive him for all of the pain that he caused in my life. I had to let go of the bitterness and the hurt. I had to lay it down at the cross and give it to Jesus and I had to forgive my father.
Remember that hurting people hurt people and my father was hurting because he didn't know Jesus so he couldn't give me what he didn’t have. I had to forgive him and in doing that it set me free. So free! if you have anybody in your life that you need to forgive you need to let it go and get the freedom that only Jesus can bring.
Do you remember me telling you that my dad was an atheist right? My father was 88 years old when he passed. I prayed for him every night that he would come to know Jesus before he died. I prayed and I prayed and I gave my heart to Jesus knowing that He would hear me.
Two weeks before my father passed away he received Jesus Christ as his Personal Savior. He finally realized how empty his life has been all of these years and how he really needed Jesus in his life.