Christal
Cooper
Article
1,620 Words
Guest Blogger Kary
Symons Green
“I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Gives Me Strength”
Philippians 4:13
When I was a child I believed in God. But I thought of Him
as a person that kept a record of what I did wrong and judged me for it. I
wasn’t raised in a church and God wasn’t something we talked about in my house.
But I always sensed there was “a God up there.” I just didn’t really know Him.
I was a happy child. I was the kid that was always singing,
dancing and goofing around to try and make other people laugh. I had several friends
and I was involved in social activities and sports.
But my world changed significantly when I was 9 years old.
My parents decided to separate and a year later, they were divorced. My family
and my home was my security, and it had become broken.
My parents had what I would describe as a quiet divorce.
Once they were apart, they never fought in front of my sister and me, and they
never spoke badly of each other. But I always believed I had something to do
with why they broke up. I thought that if I had been a better daughter maybe
they would still be together. Although my parents continually told me that it
was not my fault, I never believed them. I didn’t know how to deal with my
feelings, so I became an insecure girl who felt worthless. Interestingly, when
I was 11 years old, my parents got back together and remarried. Things at home seemed better but I still did
not feel good about who I was. I began
to look for things outside of myself to make me feel better.
At 12 years old I began drinking alcohol. At 14 years old I
began smoking marijuana and dating. I didn’t want to deal with my feelings. I
just wanted the pain to go away. I began hanging out with people who also had
low self-esteem, drank, drugged and engaged in illegal activities.
During this time, at 14 years old, I was sexually assaulted
by an acquaintance. This experience was so traumatic for me that I blocked it
out of my memory for several years. I always knew something bad had happened
that day, but I could not remember all the details. This was just the beginning
of several unhealthy relationships for me.
In high school, I appeared to be happy and healthy. I was
labeled as the popular, attractive girl who was athletic and funny. I hid
behind my jokes and laughter, but the truth was I felt empty inside. I felt
like I was worthless. I didn’t like who
I was and I had no self-confidence. There was a hole in my heart that I tried
to fill with so many things: alcohol, marijuana, illegal activities,
boyfriends, tennis and friends. Nothing worked. I still felt empty inside. I
had all of these people and activities in my life, but I felt so alone.
After high school, I attended college where I played tennis
on the tennis team, joined a sorority, worked part time and enjoyed going to
the beach. College was where my alcohol use became completely out of control.
My life had become very self-destructive. It was almost like I purposely did
things to hurt myself. I had several underage drinking incidents and got a DWI.
With zero coping skills, I could not deal with the problems in my life. Alcohol
became the solution. (Not a good solution but it was my solution.)
One semester away from college graduation, I began wondering
what I was going to do with my life. With no plan, I became depressed. At that
same time, my home life was a wreck. My parents divorced again, and this second
divorce hit me even harder than the first. This time I was old enough to know
what was really going on. I became extremely angry, and I internalized that
anger. I withdrew from everything and my negative self-talk became the only
voice I heard. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist, who put me on anti-depressant
medication. I thought I was going crazy. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t
control my thoughts and why I felt so worthless.
My depression was spiraling out of control and at 21 years old,
I attempted suicide. I knew I couldn’t continue to live the way I was living, so
I thought death was the only answer. I ended up staying in the hospital for six
weeks. This was the darkest time in my life. I remember lying in my hospital bed
crying out to God, begging Him to just let me die. It was just too hard. I didn’t want to live anymore.
During this time, I did a lot of journaling. I remember
doodling “Jesus Christ” and drawing a cross. I wondered who He was. I wanted to
meet Him in person. I wanted to be in heaven.
Eventually we found a medication that kept me stable. I was
released from the hospital and I continued to see a psychiatrist but I would
not quit drinking. Not until I was arrested for a DWI and was being held at the
police station against my will, did I finally realize I needed to quit drinking.
I couldn’t do it anymore. Something had to change because my life was a mess. I
made the decision to go to a recovery program, and my journey of healing began.
After being sober for two years, I began working for a
substance abuse facility and counseling teenagers. Working with those kids kept
me sober and helped me learn how to deal with my problems. At this job I met
another counselor, John. He was a wonderful Christian man, who loved the Lord
and had a peace in his eyes. I wanted
that peace. After group therapy on Thursday nights, I would ask John questions
about God and the Bible. We would stay late and just talk about God. John would take out his Bible and say, “Let’s
see what the Bible says about that.” He never
forced the Bible or God on me. John just answered my questions and often left
me wanting more information. I wanted to know what John knew. I wanted to know
God. I wanted a relationship with God. John encouraged me to find a church and
I did.
One night I gave John a ride home from work, and he shared
the gospel with me. He asked me if I wanted to have a personal relationship
with Jesus Christ. My exact words were, “I don’t know who Jesus Christ is. I’m going
to read the Bible and get back to you.” I think this is hilarious now,
but that was exactly what I did. I read the entire Bible and attended church.
Every Sunday I would go to church late, sit in the back pew, cry during the
entire service and then leave.
God was working on my heart. He wanted a relationship with me.
He wanted me to know that He had forgiven me for all of my sins and was not judging
me. He wanted me to allow Him to love me. There was a spiritual battle going on
inside of me. Despite what I read in the Bible and heard at church, I still could
not believe that God could forgive me for everything I had done. I didn’t feel
worthy of His love and forgiveness.
God never gave up on me. He constantly worked on my heart and
eventually helped me to get to a place where I was willing to let Him in. On
February 23, 1997, I accepted the wonderful gift of salvation and asked Jesus
Christ into my life and my heart. It
happened one Sunday after church. I went
up to the minister and said, ”I am lost. I need Jesus Christ in my life.”
We went to his office and I prayed the prayer of salvation. I was so excited! I
called my family and close friends to tell them I had accepted Jesus Christ as
my Savior and that I was a Christian. I was so happy. That hole in my heart was
finally filled - filled with the love of Christ.
This is what accepting Jesus Christ as my savior means to
me: I believe God had a son, Jesus
Christ, who lived a sinless life on this earth for 33 years. He chose to die on
a cross as a sacrifice for all of the world’s sin, including my sins. Three
days after His death, God raised Him out of the grave and He was alive. He stayed
on earth for forty days; then He ascended to heaven where He is today. His
spirit, known as the Holy Spirit, lives in anyone who chooses to believe in
Jesus Christ and what He did. I made that decision to believe in Jesus Christ
and live my life for Him.
Today I am happy, healthy and sober. In October 2015 I will
celebrate 20 years of sobriety. I am proud of that. I am continually growing in my relationship
with Christ. Becoming a Christian never makes anyone perfect. I am not perfect.
I still struggle with judging myself, negative self-talk, believing in myself, depression,
and how to handle certain relationships in my life. God is still working on me.
But I know I am not alone. Christ is always with me. I believe I am worthy of
forgiveness and love. I don’t feel worthless anymore. The greatest comfort to
me is knowing that Christ loves me just the way I am.
Photograph Description And Copyright Information
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1
Kary
Symons Green
Photographed
by Christal Rice Cooper
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God The Father
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Girls At The Piano, 1892
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of how divorce harms children
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Kary
Symons Green
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Brick woman
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The Bruised Rose
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The
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Lady Hamilton as Mary
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Journals
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The Healing Sea
Mackinaw
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Kary
Symons Green
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The Prince of Peace –
Jesus
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Kary
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Kary
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Kary
Symons Green
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Wonderful reading how God transformed your life. Thank you for sharing.
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